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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 13, 2013 6:55pm-7:31pm PDT

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[cheers and applause] >> tosh: welcome back. actually, you know what, this week you're not welcome back. beat it. scram. vamoose. next week's our final episode of the summer and we're saying good-bye in the classiest way possible with a puke party or the ages. well, next week. follow me on twitter so we can open up a dialog during the pre-recorded show and keep up on the one blog that doesn't hate me at tosh comedy central dot come and visit our store to get our your christmas shopping done
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in july and brickleberry starts september 25. there's one for the character i haven't introduced you to yet. do you want to meet him? >> yes. >> tosh: all right. it looks like a classic. and finally a few weeks ago i invented brand new internet challenges and asked you to come up with better ones but of course you did not. fail. epic fail. so here the best of the worse. >> this is a stupid talking to your pet challenge. starting now i'm going take the don't leave your house challenge. >> the random piggyback ride challenge. >> this is a deep throat popsicle challenge. >> this is the [indiscernible] [ coughing ]
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>> we're going to do george washington challenge taking george washington and getting it red hot and burning your ass with it. >> my internet challenge to watch "tosh.0" without getting a boner. >> tosh: all right. that challenge is impossible. nice croakies by the way. all right, good night. i hope no one [bleep]s in my cereal. >> i'm going [bleep] in your cereal. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ).
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>> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: thank you, everybody. fantastic. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, nation, i have an important announcement to make right now. ( cheers and applause ). folks, i am interrupting tonight's regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you breaking news. repeat: tonight's colbert report will not be seen because there has been a major development in the investigation into the tragic attack on our embassy in benghazi, libya. since last september, fox news has been pursuing this story doggedly to uncover how the administration blew it, when they blew it, why they blew it, and how they will continue to have blown it. and most importantly, how is this car still burning?
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i mean it's been eight months. ( cheers and applause ). for god's sake, the maccabees' oil only lasted eight days. if that isn't suspicious, it's at least miraculous. well, buckle up, folks. click-click. because, this story is about to take off like a rocketship to planet scandal town. >> the tension is mounting in the nation's capital. that's where in just one day, we will hear the testimony of three whittle blowers about the benghazi terror attack. >> what one says could shake up the obama administration big-time. >> it's going to be explosive. explosive. indeed. these are big, big charges. >> the dam is about to break on benghazi. it will make you mad. >> stephen: it's going to make me mad? oh, i feel like a kid on christmas eve who is about to
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get the bike he asked for... and it's on fire. so, just what are these whistle blowers going to say? >> we don't know what these guys are actually going to say. >> stephen: folks, this is the best possible kind of political story. we have no idea what's in it and it's going to be explosive. it's the taco bell of breaking news. so, jim,... ( cheers and applause ). i can make a run for the border. so, jim, let's start the benghazi count down to something that will make you mad clock. folks, it is great. it is win-win because if tomorrow i don't learn something that makes me mad, i will be
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furious. now, folks,... ( cheers and applause ). excuse me a moment. oh, hi there. i'm just trying out my new google glasses. i had to make my own because sergey brin, the cofounder of google, didn't send me a pair. no big deal. these work just as well. google glasses. what's four plus four? ( cheers and applause ). i can't see the answer because i don't have my glasses on. serious design flaw. you see, sergey brin hails from the subject of the 69th installment of my 343-part series better know a district. tonight maryland fourth, the fightin' fourth.
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( cheers and applause ). the fourth is the first black sub urban district in the country making it is the jackie robinson of never returning your neighbor's we'dwacker. it is also the first suburb ever to be pulled over by the cops. maryland's fourth also houses andrews air force base, home to the president's jum be jet air force one although after sequester cuts it's been downgraded to honda civic force once. maryland's fourth also includes fed-ex field home of the washington redskins, the most offensive tame in professional sports other than the arizona asian kids are good at maths. ( cheers and applause ). now, some celebrities... some arizona fans here tonight. some celebrities who have lived in the fourth include sugar ray leonard and wheel of fortune host... oh, what is his name?
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jimmy, give me a clue. okay. i ant to solve the puzzle. fat sajam and who has the overnight package to represent this district? why, it's none other than third term democratic congresswoman donna ed warydz. i sat down with representative edwards in her washington office. congressman thank you so much for talking to me today. >> thank you. good to be here. >> you are congresswoman donna edwards. can i call you ed? >> you can call me donna. ed, tell me about the fightin' fourth. >> it's the home to andrews air force base which is where the president lands his planes and the home to a lot of federal workers. a great congressional district. >> your district is the first in the country with an african-american majority. >> it's a wonderfully diverse district. we do have an african-american
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majority. >> stephen: i don't see race. i've evolved beyond that, you know. i just pretend everybody is white and it's all good. >> that works for you. en there's no racism. at probably wouldn't work for me. >> why not? because i'm black. stephen: i didn't know that until you just told me. you see, now you're the problem. >> no sned ma i call you sister edwards. >> you can call me donna. eddie, you've been accused of you can leum warm on israel. do you support a two-state solution. >> i do. two israels. no, a palestinian state. we need a spare israel maybe up in leb nobody just in case something happens in the first state of israel. >> a secure israel and a palestinian state. >> but that's a slippery slope. which slope is that? the palestinian state. what's next? gay marriage? >> i don't think that's true. so the gays love. they love it slippery.
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speaking of slippery slope. you're one of the three states that voted to ban straight marriage. what has that done to marriage in your state. >> we did not vote to ban state marriage. we made marriage more inclusive in maryland. we said anyone can get married. >> what does married mean? married means living together, committed to each other over a long period of time. in a household for a lifetime. >> a guy and a dog. i'm committed to my dog. >> i have a 20-year-old cat but we're not married. >> would you let anything happen to your cat. what's difference between that and marrying your cat by definition? >> i change a litter box for my cat. not what i would do in a marriage. >> what if your loved one needed their litter box changed? would you do it? i would do it. that's the level which i love. people. what level do you love people. >> this is something to think about.
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>> moving on, you tweeted on gun control. you tweeted it's time to control access to handguns. didn't you leave out a couple of "tos" in there, like our right to bear arms under the second amendment? >> i mean it's not an unfettered right. >> what's your preferred method from prying it from my cold dead hands. >> i'm not going to take your guns. >> really? you appeared on this week stephanapolous and said, quote, we've got to get the guns. >> but i think that... we've got to get the guns. that's what you said. >> we have to limit the guns that are on our streets. >> you're going to take my gun. i'm not going to take your gun. >> you're not going to take my gun because i have guns. are you diagnose a gun registry right now. >> i'd like to make sure we know... >> who has guns so you can take my gun. let me throw out a scenario. this is why i need a gun. i'm asleep.
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i sleep in the nude. i wake up. there's a meth-crazed maniac over my bed wearing nothing but a clown mask. and a jock strap. he's got an ax in his hand. i reach for my gun and then i think, oh, i remember, congressman edwards took my gun. may i call to fight off that guy? or do i just reason with him or do i offer to gay marry him? >> i think you'd be able to get the gun because i will not have removed it from your home. >> but you do see the problem? no. it's hard to envision that problem. >> you and i have something in common. we're both disappointed with president obama. >> i'm not disappointed with the president. >> have you criticized his policy on drone use. >> i have criticized some of president obama's policies. >> when he asked for extra
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troops in afghanistan, did you vote yes? >> no, i did not. okay. let me ask you something. do you believe that social security should be cut? >> no. okay. president obama has proposed cuts to social security and medicaid. what is this doing to you? >> i saw that as a problem. so you have a problem with president obama. >> i have a problem with cutting social security and medicare. >> imagine that i'm an old woman in your district, okay. what do you say to the old people who trusted you and trusted obama? >> well, i definitely have a problem with cutting social security and medicare. >> stop that man in the white house. i need that money. you've got to stop him. >> well, i don't agree with president obama. i do think that... >> stop him. we want to protect your social security. >> that bad man in the white house is going to take away all my money. >> he's not a bad man. wasn't born here, you know. he's an arab. he's an arab.
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you know he's a muslim. sean hannity told me that. you have to do something about this. oh, jenny. my granddaughter jenny whom i've never met. because your mother married a black man. >> the people in my district especially the older women in my district love president obama. but they don't like what he's proposed for medicare and social security. >> so you don't agree with the president on that. >> i don't. when will you say enough, i'm ready to be a republican? >> that's not happening. no? . yes? no. congresswoman, thank you for taking the time to talk to me today. >> thank you. stephen: let's put maryland's fourth up on the big board.
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it lookeds like the indians finally torched fed-ex field. we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you. nation, i am in a fantastic mood tonight. because it is prom season. i remember my prom like it was yesterday. not to brag but my date was so popular she did not have time to
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talk to me all night. of course these days there's something even more glamorous and expensive than the prom itself. the prom proposal or as some giet glieft watchers are calling it. >> the prom-posal. stephen: which of course is a combo of the two words pro and mposal. according to the new york time prom-posals have gotten so elaborate that teens are bringing in event planners like the heart bandits who charge $400 for orchestrating custom prom-popals like scavenger hunts and designing a series of signs along highways ending with an invitation. great idea. i mean, who could say no to monica, will. you. go. gas food lodging. to. from. tune to 530 for traffic updates
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f. with. me? love. deadened. adam. and monica should go with him. and prom-posal planners have great ideas like, "hire the high school band to ask your girl to the prom. the result will be epic and you will be go down as a legend. yes, hiring a marching band is both romantic and the perfect way to remind the marching band that they have no date to the prom. of course, now, of course, marching bands and event planners are done. so you've got to up your prom-posal game. for instance, girls love poems but it's not enough to woo her with some limerick about a bucket or a sonnet you stole from a grave stone. so prom nation, tonight just for you, i have commissioned a poem guaranteed to land you the date of your dreams.
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here to read his original prom-posal, please welcome three many time poem laureate of the united states, mr. robert pinsky. ( cheers and applause ). sir? >> as when far off in the middle of the ocean a breast-shaped curve of wave begins to whiten and gathers and gathers until it reaches land huge as a mountain and breaks and what was deep comes churning up from the bottom in mighty swirls of sunken sand and living things and water. so in the springtime every race of people and all the creatures on earth all rush to charge into the fire that burns them. love moves them all.
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and that same wave and that same fire moves me to dare ask, will you be my date for the prom? >> stephen: yes, robert pinsky, yes, a thousand times yes. robert pinsky, everybody. ( cheers and applause ). we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). welcome back, everybody.
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my guest tonight is an author whose new book is called "present shock: when everything happens now." great. i already missed everything. please welcome douglas rushkoff. ( cheers and applause ). hi, doug, nice to see you again. nice to have you back second time. >> good to be here. stephen: sir, you are a media theorist for those out there who may not know, you're the author of 12 books including program or be programmed. your new book is called present shock, when everything happens now. i don't know much about time, but how does everything, everything happen now? doesn't something happen then and other things happen later because i continue to age. >> you do. i don't understand how is everything happening now. >> in present shock... s this mystical? not really. in some ways maybe. digital nothing has a lot to do with it.
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when we first got the internet we thought we would get to work in our own time in our underwear, we thought we would have more time not less. when the internet became the dot-com boom human time became the new commodity. we strap our devices to ourselves, we have them vibrate every time somebody tweets us or sends us a message. we end up living in this perpetual state of interrupt tiff emergencies that used to be endured by only 911 operators or air traffic controllers. >> stephen: i'm loving this. end it out. tephen: i want to tweet this to my friend lou dobbs. all right. can you give me one of these? ( cheers and applause ). >> that didn't take us out of the moment. >> stephen: what? that didn't take us out of the moment, now did it. >> stephen: i'm no longer following what you said. it sounds like you're like a luddite, a guy who doesn't like technology. you have to use the tech. don't let the tech use you, my
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friend. >> there you go. i mean, if we could have our technologies conform to our lives rather than continually trying to optimize human beings to our technology we'd be in a lot better shape. >> stephen: what's better than this? this is the now-now. the now-now is technology. and if you're not using the technology right now you're not in the now-now, you're in the then. >> i think the technology is in the then. you and i are in the now-now. the tweeting, facebook just happened. the big data engine is looking at what just happened. they're not really here with us in human time. >> stephen: what if this thing were talking like whatever we call this right now, what if all of that in human history was just to kill time until the i-phone got here? okay. if you can't do this with me when i'm on the toilet but my i-phone can entertain me in the men's room. this is my friend. you know what i'm talking about. >> i do know. i do. >> stephen: checking my emails,
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everything. checking stats. checking my board scores. stuff like that. are you on facebook. >> i'm not on facebook. i got off facebook. >> stephen: how do your elementary school friends send you pictures of their babies? >> on facebook you're getting invited to be friends with people that you spent 30 years getting away from. the past comes forward. they want to be right up there with your current friends. meanwhile facebook has big data engines that are bringing you advertisements from your future for things you don't even know you yet want to buy. >> stephen: that's why i'm so grateful to facebook and google for letting me know the things i didn't know i wanted. >> or you were going to want. stephen: i'm going to want them, exactly. >> but it costs you getting to be with real people in the moment. >> stephen: what if other people are also doing this? then we're sharing a moment of not sharing. >> we are collectively sharing that moment of not sharing. that's true. >> stephen: so you say that we're people who no longer have a future.
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>> look at investors today. they don't invest in a stock in order for it to make money in the future. they try to invest in a derivative that is a stock in the future, right? you buy a stock 30 days from now. derivatives have gotten so big they've actually bought the stock exchange. the new york stock exchange was bought by its own abstraction was bought by its own future. >> like the snail has the tail in its own mouth. >> by an abstraction of a tail. stephen: not even the real tail. >> not even the real tail. stephen: you just blew my mind. ( cheers and applause ). douglas rushkoff. the present shock. we'll be right back. t@dodo1fbobo
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( cheers and applause ). that's it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome! to the "daily show." how are you? my name is jon stewart. we have a program for you tonight that i think you're going to find top notch. our guest, cnn correspondent christine amanpour. oh, cnn correspondent. i can't wait to see how they ruin her. ( laughter ) she's very good. it won't be easy. but they'll try.
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i hope you guys had a good weekend. i had a very nice weekend. i spent a good two minute of it watching the kentucky derby. ( laughter ) the rest of it i spent watching the 142nd annual convention of the national rifle association held this year in park slope brook-- oh, no, i mean-- i'm sorry, houston, texas. where high-velocity projectile lovers of one stripe came together to raise their hands in the air! not to party like they just don't care about high-5 each other with their non-gun-holding hands. ( laughter ) it was to celebrate the single issue-- the members of the national rifle association. >> the obama liberals want to disregard the 10th amendment and trying to implement obamacare and take away our liberty. >> jon: i'm sorry, general patton. i